Dear Capital One,

Your latest batch of commercials suck. They suck hard. Worse than that new Keystone Light commercial that sucks.

You turn Santa Claus from a lovable, jolly guy into a douchebag. Way to kill the dreams of all the children in the world. "Yes she is!" What a choad!

And the Lost parody one, that one sucks so many ways, we have to come up with a new word to describe how hard it sucks. I can't fathom that much suck, so let's just say it sucks really, really hard.

First, you have someone devise a computer-like device to gain internet access. An amazing feat on a remote island. One survivor howls in excitement that they have a connection. Now they can call for he... Wait, what is ass-face doing? Why, he's using this opportunity to secure a credit card that he will use on A DESERTED ISLAND! Then, to everyone's amazement, he continues applying for a credit card instead of contacting help. I don't even want to know how he had access to a photo of himself from who knows how long ago.

And this photo and the event it leads to creates all sorts of ass-sucking suckiness. The photo is of ass-clown with a huge cheeseburger. One of the starving, delirious, BEEN STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG survivors sees a cheeseburger and lunges forward. This breaks the make-shift monitor.

AND THE OTHER SURVIVORS GET MAD AT HIM AND RUN HIM OFF?!?!?!

I hope the alternate version of this commercial shows the non-asshole survivors forcing ass-face to repair the computer and connection, then bash his skull in and cook him over an open fire.

Yeah, this is what happens when I have too much free time.